HEB (née P)
by Rose White007
Summary: Voldemort was defeated, the Potter's didn't die, Sirius is free, & life is still a grand adventure. Frightening, but grand. Sirius/OC, Lily/James, Three Marauders. Happy Endings For All & For All A Good Story. (Well, Snape gets the short end of the stick. Sorry, Severus.) 100% fully cohesive storyline featuring a second Potter child who scares the heck out of Sirius. AU & COMPLETE!
1. The Informant Revealed

**First & Only Author's Note:** Here's a totally different story. Totally.

Hope you enjoy it!

The whole thing is done, posting is based on enthusiasm (mine & yours).

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First & Only Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter nor am** **I receiving any monetary compensation for writing or posting this fanwork. Dang I wish I was.**

 **Dang.**

 **I really wish I was.**

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She had to tell them, but how could she?

Watching them there, so tense and worried, and the truth was she didn't know if her informer was being fully honest, _they_ certainly wouldn't believe him.

James would be persuaded though; despite his intense dislike of Severus, he also understood how real the one-sided feelings were. It pained her to this day. Every once in a while she wondered, unbidden thoughts rose to the surface, about how different life might have been. She always came to the same conclusion: She wouldn't change anything even if she could.

And that hurt Severus because of course he knew. His ranking in her life was still high, too high really, but not where he wanted it to be.

Listening in on them she heard the discussion, the brilliant idea of Sirius', and she knew she couldn't let that stand. It was too risky. If it was found out she was wrong, well, she'd feel awful but that could be lived with. Making a mistake now? That was certain death.

"We can't use Peter."

Two pairs of eyes, brown and grey, snapped to her person.

It was going to be a hard sell, she could see that already. Sirius was forever overconfident and James so often felt the same! How much she loved them, respected them, but they were wrong. She knew it in her heart.

How many hours did she spend thinking of it since the message? She couldn't put a number to it. In the end it made so much sense it hurt.

She hoped she could persuade them without letting the secret out. She thought there was enough logic on her side, but the Marauders were not known for being logical.

"On what grounds?"

There. The first hurdle presented and Sirius was the one to speak, not James. Probably because he was aware Potter was most likely to fall. Black's eyes were already hard; he'd made his choices, his plan was set, and he was convinced of it's perfection.

It was with a deep breath that she spoke what she knew to be true. "The leak isn't Remus. It's Peter."

Neither of them ever said it aloud, not to her at least, but she knew where their thoughts lay. It was stupid when she considered it. Of course it wasn't Remus! Of course it wasn't. But he'd disengaged lately and they took it as a sign, unwelcome but a sign nonetheless. Sirius was always the more prone to suspicion of such things, a consequence of upbringing, and as much as James was considered the leader by former classmates he actually followed Sirius more often than not.

The quiet stretched on and she started talking. If she let it go too long one of them, probably Sirius, would catch up with what she'd said and she would never have a chance to explain herself.

"I know what you've been thinking, you _daft buggers_. You think you're so stealth? I even understand where your fear comes from, but the fact is you aren't looking at the whole picture. You never have. I almost doubt your ability to.

"Remus is far more closely tied to you all than you realise. How much you all did for him, it saved his life. I wouldn't be surprised if he considers it a Life Debt. There is no possible way, absolutely no _possible way_ , he would ever, ever even think of playing for the other side. He would never."

The righteous indignation rose up, she saw it happen. Sirius stood to his full height, his eyes turned slate, and she knew he was trying not to be mad at her. He didn't think her right. He didn't think she knew his friends as well as he did.

But he was wrong.

She knew them better.

She knew why it made sense for Peter Pettigrew to be the weak one; he always was. Yet somehow the implications of it all escaped the Marauders. Sirius suspected Remus, Remus suspected Sirius, James didn't suspect either of them, but neither did he consider Peter, so in the end it didn't matter which they chose to be their Secret Keeper. He trusted them all implicitly, but he also tended to side with Sirius. He'd feel bad for leaving Remus out of it, yet assumed it would all be sorted in the end.

"It's Peter, Sirius," she spoke softly, hoping against hope he wouldn't lose it. She hated saying these things, but there was no beating around the bush with Black. "The rat. The follower who didn't fit. The weakest one who made friends with people stronger than himself."

James was angry as well, she could see it, but the wheels were turning too. Over them all he'd side with her, even if he thought she was wrong.

"I'm not asking anyone to throw him to the inferi. I'm just saying I won't consent to his being the Secret Keeper because as much as you think he's too foolish or too cowardly to turn sides, I believe otherwise. Peter isn't stupid, Sirius, but he's never been so loyal either. His animagus should be proof enough."

His glower was centred on her. She'd called him out on a truth he hated to acknowledge. Even though Peter was his friend, gifted the title 'Wormtail', he'd never truly thought much of him. Pettigrew was the tag along.

"You think Peter doesn't know? Sirius," she addressed him directly even as his lip curled and his scowl deepened. "Even your own reasoning isn't because you think him loyal. It's because you think he's timid. All those jokes about how he should have been in Hufflepuff were glimpses of truth and you all knew it, but he was your friend anyway. Or so you thought." Another deep breath. "How many times did he look at you all in envy? And he was always afraid, trailing back. He went along with you for all the wrong reasons from the start."

"Now wait a bloody minute," James spoke up. "If you don't want to use Peter, fine Lily. We _won't_ -" he shot a look at Sirius who was about ready to explode. "But there's no call for that!"

"Yes there is because Sirius is being stupid and you're following like always! Remus is not a traitor. But I really believe Peter is and if you would stop being prejudice you would see it, too!"

"This isn't the time for throwing accusations!"

"But Sirius has been! And you don't correct him. Everyone thought Remus the pacifist, but that's not true, is it? It's you. You're the one who shuts up and rolls your eyes, you don't argue back against him."

"I'm right. _Fucking._ Here," the words were ground out from behind clenched teeth.

She pretended not to hear him. "And that lends credence to his simplistic thinking. Because he's a werewolf? Something that happened against his will? The whole reason you're all as close as you can possibly be? Ha! Like I said it's a Life Debt to him. He would rather die than see any of you hurt.

"I won't say he isn't being stupid too because he is. All of you are. Not one of you ever took Peter seriously enough. You think too little of him, don't give him enough credit. He sides with the powerful, James, Sirius," green eyes found the shaking one again, "because he's weak. I don't doubt he feels horrible and conflicted and depressed, but in the end he isn't quite like the rest of you."

"Evans!" Sirius was at the end of his rope now. The fury came roaring like the waves of an ocean storm. "I'm trying to save your life, you _dumb cunt_ -"

That sent James from his chair.

"-and I'm telling you I _know_ Wormtail can't be the-"

"Only because you underestimate him!" She stood too, breathing laboured. She'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, that Sirius could be reasoned with, but she saw it was impossible. She'd known it would be. He rarely saw fault within himself. "I'm telling _you_ I _know_ he is!"

"How?!" It was an enraged howl.

Her eyes closed tightly, hands balled into fists at her sides, and she shouted the truth. "Because Severus told me so!"

The silence was deafening.

"What?" A whisper of white hot fury. Not from her husband, who should have cared more about her continued contact with an almost-known Death Eater, but from Sirius Black. The one who hated Snape the most.

"He owes James his life, Sirius," she knew there was no chance of reasoning with him now, but she would say her piece anyway. Even when he stormed far away her words would remain with him. "And we all know how he feels about me."


	2. Demises

Horocrux.

It was a thing they didn't know existed until it was over, until the full truth was revealed.

Until Lily was proven right, Peter was dead, and a prophecy was invalidated.

The splitting of one's soul through the use of dark magic, murder and potions and spells, and the loss of essential humanity.

It was disturbing, disgusting, and frightening yet so glad was she when they were suddenly, unexpectedly safe that she could hardly think of the significance of what Tom Marvolo Riddle did to himself on his quest for immortality. All she knew was that it didn't work.

And they were alive.

Harry was safe. The hopes and dreams she had for him were more than wisps of smoke. James wasn't a martyr as she'd feared he would be. Sirius was finally, _finally_ not angry with her any more, and Remus was no longer under suspicion.

Regulus was gone. Dead, yet he'd taken a piece of the Dark Lord with him. Sirius was still in shock.

Dumbledore was alive though gravely injured; he would heal, she thought, because he must.

The Order of the Phoenix did its duty, shadow members saved them all. Snape was...

She wasn't sure what to think of him. He still wasn't good. He hadn't turned sides for the benefit of humanity, he'd done it for himself. He didn't believe he could be alright if _she_ was lost, couldn't stand the thought of her death, and he'd owed James.

What he did saved them all, but it wasn't for the right reasons. Regardless, he was quietly exonerated legally and his ties to the Death Eaters never publicly revealed. He worked at Hogwarts now. Potions Master.

She was slightly concerned about how he would treat Harry in the future.

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 **A/N:** I know I said the first AN would be the only one, but this review. Ya'll. I died, rofl!

To a guest: Severus is indeed respecting Lily's marriage. He's not trying to steal her from James or acting in an inappropriate manner. He's concerned for her life! She's not leading him on, neither of them are stupid or that emotionally fragile, & Snape knows good and well that he's in the _friend zone_ , lol. Fergit abou'd it! Don't worry abou'd it!

Anyway, thanks for reading, reviewing, favoriting & following so far! I hope ya'll continue to read & enjoy.


	3. Her Name

"You said I could choose the middle name!"

"Yes, but not _my_ name. Two plant based names in one? Holly Lily? No. Choose something else."

"Then 'Evans'."

"That's a surname you daft fool."

"Holly Evans Potter!" he shouted. "You put that down right now!"

"James, no!"

"Holly Evans Potter! Don't you touch that!"

"Stop it! We're not calling her Evans!"

"Who says we'll call her Evans? What's she have a first name for? It's her _middle_ name. I let you give Harry _my_ name!"

"That's different!"

"She's Holly Evans!"

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 **A/N:** I put out a side-shot, "So, Sorry About Calling You A Dumb-", about how Sirius apologised for calling Lily names. Go check it out if you're interested! Other side-shots are coming...


	4. Holly Evans Potter

It was... Magical.

Once more Lily felt the rush of all encompassing love fill her to the brim, spilling out in the form of tears as she held another wailing infant to her chest. This one looked nothing like James. No black hair, only red. Emerald eyes like her own and Harry's.

Severus wouldn't be so hard on her.

That was probably the wrong thought to be having, but there were so many darting through her mind that she could hardly make sense of anything.

* * *

Sirius was _clearly_ in love. Struck by a bolt of lightning the moment he walked through the door; Lily was surprised he'd not hit the floor in a dead faint.

It was different than the way he was with Harry, not nearly as reckless. He'd been careful at the outset, but it didn't last long. Sooner than was safe he'd been tossing the boy around with magic, fully confident in his ability to keep the child from harm.

He wouldn't do that with Holly; he thought she was made of glass and he was the proverbial bull in a china shop. He wouldn't even stand with her until she was three months.

James laughed at him, taunted Black with acts of feigned carelessness. Normally Sirius wouldn't fall for that sort of juvenile ploy, but when it came to Holly there were no jokes allowed and one nasty stinging jinx taught her husband that lesson.

She didn't think she'd ever seen Sirius so serious; nothing got to him the way Holly did.

And it was very sweet.

* * *

It was like she owned him.

"Siweeous!"

How could she be so damned adorable?! There was something wrong with him. No one else reacted to Holly the way he did. Lily and James weren't half as careful with her as they were Harry; Remus called it 'second child syndrome'. Strangers meeting her for the first time thought she was cute, of course they'd have to be blind to miss it, but they didn't respond like him.

"Siweeous!"

He almost shoved the blond broad away in his haste to be presentable. Lily was rolling her eyes and he'd never before felt so, almost, _ashamed_ of his bad habits. He'd given up smoking when Harry was on the way, but that wasn't shame. It was a health thing.

There was nothing 'wrong' with his dates, he wasn't infected or anything, but the idea of Holly being anywhere near one of his many bedmates was repugnant. It brought forth terrifying thoughts of her future, thoughts he immediately pushed aside and endeavoured to forget ever entered his mind.

"Siweeoouus!"

She was squirming her way out of Lily's grasp, forced her mother to place her on the ground because the other option was falling and that was _never_ okay with Holly. It didn't matter how short the drop, a fall was cause for screaming at incredible decibels.

Harry never screamed. He was such a quiet, calm baby that it was possible to forget he was in the room. Which Sirius had done once.

Only once.

Prongs thought it was hilarious, but Lily almost killed him.

That would never happen with Holly, her need for attention wouldn't allow it; even now she was monopolizing his and he allowed it all too willingly. He could only imagine what kind of brat she'd be in coming years, demanding things of him, and hecouldn't conceive of saying no to any of it.

* * *

Eleven and twelve. How was that possible? How could they be so old already? How could they both be away at Hogwarts for months on end and what was he supposed to do with his time?!

"How do you think _I_ feel?" Evans was teary.

"We should have had another! We should have! I knew we should have!" James was lamenting past decisions.

"Too late now, I suppose," Remus was mildly amused.

"You have no room to talk, Moony. You'll be there with them in a few hours!" It was ridiculous and unfair. Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. No Marauder should have been in that sort of position.

"Sirius, you're more upset about it than Lily."

He didn't deny it. Evans was already moving beyond the upset of seeing her children off.

"If you see a large black dog roaming the grounds ignore it."


	5. Flirting

He wasn't getting it, she could tell. He didn't see what she was trying to do and it sort of hurt, but not really. She'd not expected him to understand, to catch on. He wasn't stupid, he was Sirius Black and he sure as hell knew what flirting was, but he didn't expect it of her.

Of course he didn't.

She was Holly Evans Potter and it didn't make any sense for her to flirt at him. To try and sit closer, to be happy that he put his arm around her shoulders so easily. Trying so hard to have his attention and all the while knowing her _parents_ weren't far away. That Harry was near. That Remus might notice because he certainly wasn't blind. That this was daft. That she was about seventy shades of ridiculous.

Sirius would never, _never ever never,_ see her the way she wanted him to. The way other men did. The way her dad pretended they didn't, especially when she was confused for her mother. More than once to his everlasting horror. Flashes of panic so quickly shoved aside in favour of purposeful ignorance because it meant she wasn't small any more. Not so young.

When Mum talked to her about the birds and the bees she could honestly say she wasn't interested in the least, that there was nothing to worry about. What she left out was the reason for it.

The only one she wanted didn't want her and never, _never ever never_ , would.

But she flirted anyway. Smiling at him and touching his hair for a moment, as if it could ever be out of place, and he kept not noticing.

She knew when it happened, when she realised Sirius Black wasn't just a Thing that was part of the world. Always a Thing she cared a lot about, loved so much and couldn't imagine not having, but not exactly a person.

First he was someone. Then he was a man. Then he had a woman on his arm and she hated that chit at first sight even though she knew it was unfair; he would be done with her like all the others, but suddenly the thought made her almost sick and yet she felt so glad when he abandoned the brunette to follow her as she bolted.

That meant he liked her more. Cared about her more.

She wanted him to care about her the most.

She was trying to flirt and it wasn't working.


	6. Holly's a Girl

Impossible. This was impossible.

What in the bloody hell was she wearing?! Wasn't that illegal? It was public indecency or something, it had to be! How'd she gotten that thing anyway? Surely James didn't know. Lily either. They wouldn't let her wear it.

It was... It was... Less than underwear and wrong.

So wrong.

But, if he threw a towel over her she'd know he'd noticed it and he'd _never_ noticed anything like that about her before.

He shouldn't have noticed.

 _Why had he noticed?_

And who the _fuck_ did those teenage pieces of shit think they were looking at?

More than half of him was ready to hex the life out of them and he was so deeply regretting this whole outing that he could hardly stand to let it go on.

He had enough sense left to keep it together though, didn't he?

Sense. What good was sense? That, that, _thing_ Holly wore was senseless. It was wrong!

Wrong! Horrifying and wrong!

Why couldn't he stop looking? He wanted to. He wanted to forget he'd seen it for what it was because he shouldn't have. In the small bit of rational thought left to him he knew it wasn't worse than what others wore, showed less skin if anything, but that was Holly.

That was Holly Evans Potter and she wasn't supposed to be a girl.

Sirius was so distracted by the sudden, wholly unwelcome thoughts that he failed to see Ginny Weasley realising what he realised.

* * *

"I know what I saw."

It was too good to be true.

"He really did, Hol. I wouldn't, _couldn't_ , lie about this."

But her plans never worked! Not once did she succeed in drawing the attention she wanted from Sirius Black. He didn't know she was a girl. She was just Holly to him, the way Ginny was Ginny. They were people who mattered in one way or another, but not female.

Ginny continued, "I'm telling you, he didn't notice me at all. He didn't care. It wasn't just a case of 'she can't wear that' either, I'm sure of it. His eyes about bugged out of his head!"

"You say that, but-"

"I mean it!"

"I know, I know! But still! This is Sirius we're talking about, Gin. He's like...Like..."

"Not so oblivious. Not any more. I bet he wishes Lupin would oblivate him, but he can't say anything can he? Can't give himself away. If it was about not liking what you've got on he'd toss a towel over you without a second thought, right?"

He would, Holly knew him too well to argue Ginny's point. It wasn't that he'd never notice her showing skin, but his reaction should have been to hide her from the eyes of the world. Instead he was resolutely pretending he'd not seen her swimsuit and ignoring her as much as possible. Sirius never behaved that way toward her.

"He knows you're a girl. Definitely."


	7. LIKE YOU Like You

She was going to tell him and maybe it was cowardly, not so like a Gryffindor to wait until this very last minute, but she told herself it made sense. She did have a good reason for it.

The last day of August and she was going to have to drink a bit to make her braver, but only a little because if she overdid it he'd use that as an excuse. Say to himself she didn't mean it, that she was drunk and delusional. Not even tipsy was safe.

Telling Sirius Black she loved him. At first, he would misinterpret it, say he loved her too, and then she'd say she didn't just love him, she liked him. He'd laugh and say he liked her too and she'd tell him she didn't just like him, she _liked him_.

And he would shut down.

She knew how it would go, she knew it all because she knew him so well.

She also knew she wouldn't cry when he tried to turn her down by lying about her to himself. He was like that. So often a liar. A defensive liar usually. He had no shame when it came to his own life, not even when he should, but to save himself from unexpected feelings? Hell yes, he'd lie like his life depended on it.

He would lie today, thinking his life really _did_ depend on it.

* * *

The party was in full swing and this was it. She'd had one drink ten minutes ago, another five back, and the tiniest of buzzes was just enough to propel her forward when he was away from her parents, just enough to make her drag him into the laundry room even as he thought she was trying to make some sort of joke.

"I love you."

As predicted he didn't understand. "I love you too," laughing like she knew he would.

"I don't just love you, I like you."

"Hey now, I like you too! What a coincidence, kid!"

That stung, but not enough to stop her.

"Sirius," she waited until he looked her in the eyes. His arms were folded across his chest, posture relaxed. He had no idea. "I don't just like you. I _like you_ like you."

He froze and she saw it happen. Everything about him was fixed in place until the smile slid away, replaced with a look of almost horror.

Sanity was long gone at this point and she didn't care that he was about to lose his mind, she kissed his cheek before life returned and, in a moment of pure insanity _,_ immediately afterwards pressed her lips to his for the briefest of moments.

He went cross-eyed trying to stare at her; when he shook his head, and she backed up to the wall to avoid whatever explosion was about to happen, she knew he wouldn't accept her. She'd already known. This was no surprise.

Spluttering didn't last long. He knew how to send down rejection, he'd done it so many times before, and even though this was different, terrifyingly different, it could still be done. It had to be done and he wanted to do it. She was being stupid. Young and stupid. He didn't call her stupid, he wasn't trying to insult her, but she knew that was what he meant.

"Next year," grey eyes were wide. "You have to give it a year."

"Why a year? Do you think I don't know how I feel?" She hadn't thought of talking back to him, she'd been resigned to accepting what he demanded; maybe this was the alcohol. "How long do you think I've been waiting to tell you this?"

That question was ignored because it couldn't have been long. He wouldn't let himself believe she really did mean it.

"Sirius, no offence, but you aren't getting any younger."

He didn't laugh. "Exactly and next year that will mean more to you."

So, that would be his lie. Thinking she would come to her senses and throw affection at someone else, someone younger.

"You can think what you want, but," she didn't know what to say and she needed to leave because even though she'd not thought she'd cry, she might. Not in sadness, but from anger. "But it won't change anything. A year? Fine. You have a year to get used to me because," she got in his face even as he leaned away, "I'm not going anywhere."

It wasn't fleeing. She wasn't running. She just needed to get around the corner for a moment to wipe away the fury. She hadn't thought she'd be mad at him for it, she knew he'd reject-

She almost fell over as it hit.

He didn't reject her.

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 **A/N: Thanks for the follows, reviews & favourites so far!**

 **Also, anyone interested in getting an Advanced Reader's Copy of my new original project 'Win A Wish'? Message me & check my profile for more info!**


	8. Telling James

It was so similar to speaking with Lily and yet so different. Seated at the wooden kitchen table, in the chair designated his, his best friend on the other side. But _this_ Potter didn't have an inkling, _this_ Potter might actually kill him the way the other should have.

"There's something I need to tell you."

Predictably, he treated it lightly. "Did you cheat on me? Is that what this is about?"

That was actually close to the truth. Cheating. He was a cheat. "Almost."

But James still didn't see the truth; whatever the talk was about it couldn't be so bad, but he did appreciate that his friend thought it important. "Why so serious, Sirius?"

A deep breath. "It's about Holly."

In a flash his demeanour changed. The world changed. "What _about_ Holly? Is she alright? What happened? Is she hurt? We have to-" What would she tell Sirius that she wouldn't tell him that Sirius thought he should tell him rather than keep it secret even though she obviously wanted it to stay that way?

"No, she's fine. Physically."

"What the hell are you talking about, Black? Speak plainly!" He was about to loose his mind.

 _Was she pregnant?!_

"She confessed to me!" He slapped a hand against the table, pushed his chair back, and put his head in his hands.

 _It was worse._

It took a moment for the words to sink in and then, in a tone as deadly as poison, he asked, "She _what_?"

What Sirius said next had James on his feet, wand pointed squarely between his former friend's eyes even as he held his hands up in surrender.

"Prongs," he lost his voice. Surely this would be the death of them and the dreaded admission was spoken in a mere whisper. "I couldn't tell her 'no'."

The curse he sent at Sirius was deflected by Lily who also disarmed him. He'd not noticed her entrance, but that was little deterrent and he would have pummelled Black within an inch of his life had she not also seen fit to stun him.

* * *

She levitated his body up the stairs, locked the door behind her with a spell only she would be able to undo, and removed the stun.

"HE WHAT?!"

But she didn't answer. Instead she opened the cabinet door to access the Pensive and removed a shimmering thread from her temple, carefully placing it within the memory viewer. It really was a handy thing to have.

She didn't know where Sirius had gone, but she was sure he didn't stick around. In this moment that was for the best. Just because she thought James would calm shortly didn't mean he would be in any state to see Sirius.


	9. The Memory

She didn't know what the letter said, but it made his eyes bulge and his face turn red. He crumpled the parchment and turned it to ash.

That meant it was from Holly.

"Sirius, let's have a chat."

"Let's not."

" _Let's_."

There was no arguing with Evans when she got that way, but he still wanted to run in the other direction. She would drag him back and it would be even worse, if that were possible, because he realised, with horrible certainty, that _she knew_.

"Sit."

He did.

"Talk."

He couldn't.

"Then I will." She ran a hand through her hair and composed herself; this had to happen and it was far better to do it now, while James was unexpectedly called away, than to risk a more structured meeting because they were Sirius and Lily and any conversation they had could absolutely include him. It was the very reason they'd not yet succeeded in throwing a surprise party for him. "Sirius Black, I am aware that Holly Evans Potter has made _you_ aware of the way she's grown to feel about you. I'm also aware that you're understandably terrified to know that _I_ know, but what I have to tell you will shock you. Listen well because I won't repeat myself.

"I'm not going to kill you for this, even though you definitely thought you were approaching death a moment ago. Sirius, I know what Holly's gone and done. Even though I don't know what you said yet, or what you plan to say, I'm going to respect the decisions made. No matter what they are."

…

…

"What?"

"I've thought about this long and hard, Black. Don't think I'm taking this lightly and don't think I don't know it would be much easier for you if I'd stand in the way. I'm well aware alright? This isn't easy for me, Sirius. She's Holly. She's seventeen and still in school and you're her godfather and apparently she," it wasn't simple to say, even though Lily told herself she accepted it. Saying it made it real. "Apparently," she began again. "Apparently, Holly loves you in a different way."

The horror in his eyes told her _he'd_ not accepted it yet.

"What did you say to her? Sirius, tell me what you said."

It took longer than a minute, but Sirius Black was never one to back down from a challenge no matter how difficult it was. Even so, his answers were robotic, detached.

"I told her she had to wait."

"How long?"

"Until next September."

"Why then?"

"Because that summer she'll work somewhere, have an internship at the Ministry or something, and she'll meet someone else."

"What if she doesn't?"

There was no answer to give. He refused to so much as consider it; she would change her mind. If only because she had to.

"A different question then. This is something you won't say either, but even if you won't answer I'll know the truth. You can't lie about this.

"Which do you want more? For her to do as you say she will or for her to prove you wrong?"

As predicted he refused to speak; also as predicted that was answer enough.

"I thought so."

"You thought what, Evans?" his voice hinted at danger.

"It's Potter. How many times do I have to tell you?"

"You're always Evans." There was a tiny speck of a smile because the only one she was Evans to any more was him, and perhaps Snape, even if he wouldn't speak that small sentiment himself and Sirius would never think of that. But it was gone in a moment and the storm returned. "What did you think?"

"It's not just thought now, it's solid knowledge. Do you know how well I know you, Sirius Black? At least as well as you know me. That means I don't really have to answer, do I? You know that I know and if you do want me to say it I will, but I don't think you do. So be careful, Sirius Black, or I'll say the things you won't."

She was right. How was she always right? But it was wrong.

"I _bathed_ her."

"You did."

"I _changed_ her _diaper_."

Lily snorted a laugh, "One time!"

He didn't see the humour in it. "How did this happen?"

She sobered, glanced away for a moment and then looked back. "I'm not sure. I can't answer that for you, but I do know that you've loved her longer than any girl you've ever known. You've loved her since before she was born."

He winced each time The Word was spoken.

"I remember when we found out I was pregnant again. You were thrilled! And positive it would be another boy. We were going to have a 'whole Quidditch team', you said. Did you know I was actually nervous about telling you she was a girl? You were so excited for another boy I thought you might be disappointed, but you weren't. Not even for half a second. You just about exploded and I _knew_ she'd have a harder time getting any boy, romantic interest or not, past you than her own father.

"Sirius I can't tell you what changed, but I will say I'm not surprised it did. I've thought about Holly and wondered who she was more like. Harry may look just like James, except for the eyes obviously, but he's no Marauder. When he gets into trouble it's only because he's trying to help someone else. Holly is... More like half and half? Or maybe it's a sixty-forty split. Favouring James as much as it riles me to say that."

He didn't give an inch and she sighed, reaching across the table to put her hands on his. He didn't pull away, but neither did he seem comforted.

"He's your best friend Sirius and I'm your friend, too. I was your best and only female friend for a long time. Holly is the two of us combined. I'm not surprised she loves _and_ likes you, we both do so very much, and I'm not surprised that you're having this problem."

"What do you mean you _were_?" he demanded. "I've never been 'friends' with birds."

"No, you haven't and Holly isn't anything close to a _bird_ to you! She **is** your friend," she ignored his shaking head, "at least as much as I am."

"She's _not_."

"She is."

He put his hands in his lap.

"You love her to pieces, Sirius Black, and I know it. So do you. When she was unhappy in first year, so much that she really did want to come home, Snuffles broke into Hogwarts and spent a week hiding out in the little girl's dormitory. If she felt that way this year you'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"That is _not_ the same thing, Evans!" he shouted, rising to his feet. "That's not the same!"

"Potter!" her voice and body rose to match his. "And I know that, you daft prick, but the feelings stand! I can't tell you when you started noticing she was a girl. I wasn't there for that or I would have known all this was coming even sooner. I do know when _she_ noticed _you_ , but that isn't for me to say."

"When?" he asked desperately, falling back into his chair. "Tell me when!"

"No I won't, you'll have to talk to her. It would make you feel better to think she fell first, wouldn't it?" She too retook her seat.

"I've not fallen, Evans!"

"It's Potter!" She slammed a fist on the table. "And you have, but that doesn't mean you'll do anything about it. It doesn't mean you have to. Do you think I don't understand how hard this is? Do you think I was automatically okay with the idea? I wasn't. I was angry and confused and I wanted to throttle you! The only reason you aren't laid up in Mungo's is because I could tell you didn't know how she felt and it wasn't being encouraged. It went right over your head when she tried to flirt! If you'd known you would have avoided her like the plague, terrified you'd hurt her worse than you already had.

"But now you have to start thinking, Black. Think about it _very hard_. You could shatter her heart come September when she hasn't changed her mind, and _no_ she won't," Lily cut off his enraged retort before it started. "She's too stubborn and too smart. She's thought it through and you know that, she wouldn't have said a word if she hadn't. Holly is sure of whatever it is she said to you. Don't sell her short to make yourself feel better."

Why did she have to be right?

"You have to tell James."

"I don't even know what I'm going to do." Misery.

"Well, I think once the threat of imminent death is no longer hanging over your head it'll be easier to figure out."

"He won't forgive me."

"He will."

"He'll kill me first."

"I won't let him."

"What she wants," he briefly choked on the words. "I've never even considered. Ever."

"She wants forever," Lily confirmed. "And if you won't give it to her then I can't say she'll have it with anyone else."

Why did she have to say that? It was as if she'd stuck a knife into his soul. "I can't-"

"You _could_ , but forever seems like a long time to you. Like it would get boring. It's not even just about you, right? It's her. You think she'll get over it and regret it. For you, you have a month, maybe two, and then something new. But, don't you think you'll be friends with James forever? Will that get boring? Friends with Remus? With me? Will you ever be tired of seeing Harry?"

"That's not the same, Evans!"

"It's not," she agreed. "But it is."

Again he didn't have anything to say. What could she expect of him when he didn't know what he wanted?

"You have to decide now. If it's any comfort, I already know what you'll do. You'll probably torture yourself over it, but I know what will happen."

"Well tell _me_ , woman, will you?! Merlin's beard Lily! You're always right about everything, so tell me and end my damned suffering!"

"No, I won't. You have to do this yourself." She stood from the table. "When James comes back tell him. Don't wait and make it worse. He'll come looking for one of us here first, so stay where you are."

* * *

Out of the memory, he stood still as a statue. He noted his wife made no attempt to console him, said nothing and did nothing. "You didn't stop him calling you 'Evans' the last time." When she didn't answer he removed his glasses and passed a hand over his eyes, asking, "What is it you think he'll do?"

There was no hesitation before her answer, so sure was she, "Suddenly realize that forever doesn't sound long enough."

* * *

 **A/N:** Thanks for reading so far! About how much do you like it at this point, would you say?


	10. She Knows

"I told him. I told Sirius."

"You _what_? Holy shit." Suddenly the silencing and locking charms made sense. "When? Why? What did he say!?"

"Yesterday because I knew we'd both need a whole lot of time apart after I said it and he just... Told me to cool it until next September."

"I thought that goodbye was off," Ginny muttered. "But, why a whole year?"

"He thinks I'll meet someone else between then and now. That I'll get work and all of a sudden a whole new world will open up in front of me." She slumped down into her seat.

Ginny shook her head slowly as she asked, "It won't?"

"No. It won't."

"What if _he_ won't?"

"Then I'll be alone forever."

That sounded dramatic, but Ginny knew Holly and of course they'd spoken of it before, but somehow she'd never thought much would come of it. A confession was huge, this was huge, and when Holly said she wouldn't want anyone else it was because she knew herself so well.

"You're putting me to shame," she murmured, looking out the window. "The odds really are against you, but you did it anyway."

"Hey, it's not the same."

"You're right. I have it much easier." But she couldn't do it. The idea of telling Harry how she felt was terrifying. "Enough about me. I've realised you didn't say he turned you down and that means he didn't."

The upturn of pink lips was tiny. "No, he didn't." It quickly disappeared though. "He didn't answer. He put it off. He's hoping he won't have to, that he'll be right, and then we can pretend it was nothing, but it's not nothing." She sat up suddenly, looked a little desperate. "It's not, right?"

"Definitely not! It's not nothing. I saw it," she thought back to the way Sirius had so resolutely looked Holly in the eyes after he realised his massive mistake in inviting them all out to a beach. After giving her the once over. "He's probably freaking out right now. Your mum'll kill him stone dead."

"Actually," Holly paused. "Actually, I don't think she will. I think she knows."

"How could she possibly know and not have killed him?"

"He didn't know. She didn't blame him because it was one-sided and, by the time it wasn't, she figured it wasn't so bad."

"Did she tell you she knew?"

"No, but I know she knows. She always knows. She knows you like Harry."

Ginny's face turned as red as Holly's hair, as red as her own.

"She knows Harry shouldn't be wasting his time with Chang." Holly knew Harry to be the rebound. After Chang's relationship with Diggory fell through, due to a cheating scandal with a _Slytherin_ side-chick no less, the girl was depressed. Harry Potter was just as cool and caring as Cedric Diggory had ever been, but Holly saw signs of the truth. He was the Similar Stand-In.

Even so, Holly realised Harry really did like Cho, which made her despise the girl for using him. Maybe Cho didn't think of it like that, but it was crystal clear.

Holly also knew Ginny had it bad for her brother, ever since their first meeting so many years ago. But, the sympathy was running out fast. In her estimation Ginny should have told the truth months back. It wasn't Harry's fault for not knowing; her friend refused to tell him.

On top of it all she'd seen Cedric _with Chang_ in the Alley. It seemed like a chance meeting, but they were far too friendly for two on the outs. It looked to her like they'd be back together sooner rather than later. Both older and wiser, ready to forgive and be in love again.

Well, she'd told Harry what she thought and he didn't want to hear it. On his head be it!

To get off the topic of Potter and his dating habits Ginny changed the subject; it was a very sore spot for her. "So, you think she knows about Sirius too?"

"She knows."

"Does he know she knows?"

"Doubtful."

"Do you think she'll confront him?"

Holly hesitated as she thought it through. She hoped not, but there was a distinct possibility that a conversation would be happening. "I'm not sure." It was hard to say. It all depended on whether or not her mother felt she needed to push him.


	11. Fourth A Year

He probably wouldn't come and she thought about staying away.

He'd phone it in, send his gifts claiming to be ill or he'd run ahead of time so he could be out-of-town. Coward.

So she stayed at Hogwarts because she was a coward too.

Quite literally she was the only one left. Every other Gryffindor was gone for the Holiday and she remained. It was for the best, wasn't it? Better to spend her last Christmas as a school girl alone. She could explore, look for places unfound by the Marauders, and totally ignore the fact that her real reason for staying at school was to avoid the possibility of seeing Sirius despite how remote it was.

She tried not to remember the look on McGonagall's face when she was the sole sign up for the stay-behinds. The woman had enough tact not to comment, but she knew something was strange, and Holly wouldn't have been surprised to know the transfiguration professor wrote to Godric's Hollow immediately thereafter.

She was, however, surprised to see her parents plus Sirius at the Christmas Eve dinner table in the Great Hall because holy hell that was _not_ supposed to happen.

Turning to run wasn't done fast enough and she found her feet rooted in place. But she didn't turn back. She wouldn't. She refused. Instead, she leaned forward so her forehead could hit the edge of the closed door and resigned herself to starvation.

But then Snape came in through the other, open doorway and she hardly noticed him, wouldn't have at all if he'd not muttered, "Run" under his breath, and in her state of utter embarrassment and depression she did, it worked, and she streaked from the dining hall to the kitchens where she ordered the house elves to refuse entrance to any adults who were not professors or students.

* * *

"I'll kill him," Lily seethed. "I can't believe he did that! How could he do that?!"

Severus, still her friend after all these years, still someone she cared too much about, and thankfully James really did grow up enough to be fine with it, but this was undermining her authority as a parent and that wasn't okay.

It didn't matter how old Holly was, that she was seventeen already or that she'd meant to avoid certain people. It didn't matter. That was her daughter, her little girl, and she'd be damned before she allowed that stupid young thing to run from what she started.

His punishment was dealing with James alone as he tried to be friendly, which would work on just about anyone else but Severus was a special case and he still deeply resented James Potter.

"Sirius. Go get Holly."

She thought he might argue, complain about the way she ordered him around, _like a dog,_ but he didn't. Maybe he realised it would be a fruitless waste of time or maybe he really did want to see her too.

He did.

Lily knew it, James ignored it, Sirius tried to hide it.

That didn't mean he felt the way Holly wanted him too, Lily was almost certain he didn't, but he definitely loved her and he'd never liked being away from either of the children for long. He hated feeling left out, not knowing what they were up to, and yet he was so afraid of Holly that he'd not even written to her this year.

She knew because each time she asked about contact he resolutely changed the subject, pretending the object of his desperation hadn't been mentioned.

But he didn't fight this. He allowed Lily to walk away from the portrait of fruit, knowing full well she'd watch from around the corner to be sure he didn't try an escape, and in a moment the man no longer stood before artwork. In his place was a dog.

There'd been no orders against animals.

* * *

He hoped... something. He didn't know what he wanted.

To see her? Yes. And no.

To talk to her? Yes. And no. Definitely no.

To know that she'd changed her mind? Yes.

Yes!

 _And no._

* * *

When Snuffles came through the doorway Holly wasn't exactly surprised, though she did curse herself for failing to ban animals from the kitchens while she remained. Honestly, she'd not thought he would be the one to come after her.

Her mother? Certainly. After she murdered Snape.

Her father? Maybe. After he stopped laughing over what Snape did.

Sirius? No way. Just no.

But here he was, no longer a dog and taking the seat across from her when a chair was conjured up by a house elf ready to serve.

Staring and it made her feel all the wrong things, things he didn't want her to feel about him or anyone really. She knew that. He was pushing her toward some unknown man, but he'd never want to hear a word about it.

Sex talk was okay with Harry, but not with Holly. Never, ever, never with Holly.

Except for once.

 _She was about to do something unfair._

" _Sirius," she poked the sleeping man. He was out like a light, pseudo childminder that he was. There was no need. She was fifteen._

 _She thought he might need to be reminded she wasn't a child; at least not the way he thought she was._

" _Sirius," she spoke again, with more urgency and he stirred. "Sirius!"_

" _What?!" The reaction was instant. "What? Are you hurt?!" He nearly rolled off the sofa in his haste to check for injury._

 _Green eyes rolled and she rocked back on her heels. "No, I have a question."_

" _Bloody hell, Holly." He ran his hands over his face and into his hair._

" _Why is the first thing you think of that I've injured myself? That never happens!"_

 _His only answer was a groan._

" _Tch," she clicked her tongue. "Anyway, this is something I heard from a boy yesterday, okay?"_

" _From a boy? Which boy? How old boy?" There was demand in his tone._

" _That doesn't matter," she waved her hands. "He said something about..." she paused, briefly reconsidered spinning the tale and then said it anyway. "Cunnilingus."_

 _Sirius looked like he'd been punched in the gut._

" _I don't know what it means. Is it some kind of spell? I couldn't find it in any of my school books and-"_

" _Stop! Stop right there!" He shot off the cushions, stared down at her with furious grey eyes. "Who, what, and where did you hear that from? When? Tell me. Now."_

" _That doesn't matter! I just need to know-"_

" _You do not._ _No. You don't. Answer my questions, I'm the adult!"_

 _His only defence it seemed._

" _Is it really bad? Like, an unforgivable curse?"_

 _As she'd hoped the delay tactics were calming him. He no longer wore a murderous expression, though neither was he ready to give up the information she knew he had. It was all part of the plan. Force him to realize that she wasn't so young any more. Make him admit, at least to himself, that she wasn't a child._

" _Its-" he paused, trying to collect his thoughts. Of all the bloody rotten luck! Why was he the one around when this happened? "It's not a spell. Just forget it, okay?"_

" _Not okay! How can I answer if I don't even know what the word cunni-"_

" _Stop!" he near shouted and he knew he must sound ridiculous, but that word coming out of her mouth was blasphemous. The worst kind of wrong. How old was she again? Twelve? Fourteen? No, that wasn't right. She was going on sixteen and holy fuck. How was she almost sixteen?! Holly Evans Potter could_ _ **never**_ _be sixteen. "It's a sex thing alright?! That's what it is! So drop it! Leave it be and never speak with whoever that little fuck boy is again, you hear me? Never again!"_

" _A sex thing?"_

" _And don't say that word either!"_

Of course, she'd known what cunnilingus was; she'd hoped to force him into seeing her as more than a little girl.

In any case the birds and the bees conversation was left to Lily, who took a practical approach and spoke of being safe, told her not to believe a word that came from anyone her own age because they didn't know what the hell they were talking about, and warned against throwing virginity away just because it seemed like the thing to do. It was an important moment, she said, and if you messed it up it could stick with you for years if not forever. Ruining other relationships before they got started.

By the time the drive was there, it was too late to think of looking at a Hogwarts boy though; Sirius was the only one she could see. The only one she wanted.

Why did he have to be so good looking? It was hardly fair. He could have been in magazines if he wasn't so lazy. As it was he had all his family's money, his parents both long dead and he was trying to sell off the Black family estate. She didn't think it would happen.

But that was what Sirius did. That was the way he worked.

Instead of trying to remake the place he wanted to get rid of it. He would have done the same to her if she wasn't already so important to him. What she was asking of him was to 'remake' their relationship; if anybody else tried that they'd be tossed out in the cold without a second thought. Sirius didn't change his mind about things, he didn't have second thoughts.

Yet he was about this, she could tell. If he wasn't he wouldn't have started acting so distant; if he was truly unaffected he would have kept treating her as he always did without any conflicted feelings. He wouldn't avoid looking at her as he did now.

"What are you so afraid of?"

She'd wanted to ask him for awhile, wanted to know the _real_ fear holding him back. He'd not been disgusted by the idea of seeing her as more than a child, at least she didn't think so, and she was positive he wasn't afraid of her parent's reactions any more. Sirius wouldn't care what anyone else thought of it, excepting maybe Remus but, as he was with someone quite young himself, she didn't think the werewolf would voice any objections about that aspect.

"You don't have a problem with Remus and Tonks," she muttered, sullen.

"That is no where close to being the same thing, you brat."

Brat. He'd called her that for as long as she could remember.

He still wouldn't look at her.

"Fear?" she asked, voice hard. "What is it? Tell me."

"I'm not _afraid_ of anything," his tone was clipped.

"Liar." She paused and said, "You're afraid of me."

Finally, grey eyes found her face, but they weren't tender or soft. They were darkened with repressed anger. Sirius hated to be accused of weakness.

"Listen here, little girl," he ignored her scoff. "I am not afraid of you. I'm trying to help you."

"I don't need help!"

"Clearly you do. You have awful judgment. As well as you know me, how could you-" He broke off, turned away from her again. Those were words he couldn't speak, thoughts he didn't want to think.

She breathed a quick sigh. "That's why you bloody moron. Because I know you!" She stood quickly, shoved the small wooden table at him. It forced Sirius to look at her, in shock at her violence. She was going to have to say it in one go, if she wavered he'd close his ears and run away.

"I love you because I know you!"

She saw him shut down, it was a thing he did when he was done listening. His expression turned passive, his eyes dulled. There was nothing more she could say to him now except, "It's not going to change. It doesn't matter what lies you tell yourself, come summer I won't be 'over this'. I'm not fickle or foolish, so fuck you, Sirius Black, for trying to put me on that level to make yourself feel better."

It hurt when he didn't come after her, even though she knew he wouldn't.


	12. Half A Year

"Holly knows I know."

She said it so casually and yet he thought she said the world was ending.

"She wrote to me, said she knew, and then told me about how many boyfriends she could have had so far because, apparently, she's a knock out stunner."

He wasn't going to think about it. He wasn't.

"You know, you all think she looks just like me, but she doesn't. Our noses are different and she's not as tall. She's sort of...softer than I am. I don't know why, it's not James. Some old genes I guess. She certainly doesn't look anything like Petunia so I really can't say where its from."

He wasn't thinking about her looks and Lily couldn't make him.

She was at his flat, presumably just to boast about her school child because they'd not had plans.

" _...fuck you, Sirius Black, for trying to put me on that level to make yourself feel better."_

" _Don't sell her short to make yourself feel better."_

"We usually think alike-"

He completely missed whatever she said next, a sudden fear that Lily could read his mind taking hold. The bloody timing was uncanny!

"-more often than not sides with James in the end though, without even realizing it. She can be wishy-washy about little things. Never sure what she wants and then chooses both, plays us like fools constantly-"

She was trying to do the same to him. Attempting to get under his skin and reel him in. Well, it wasn't happening. Lily's preferences aside this was about right and wrong. Being with Holly would be wrong and Lily was only alright with it because he was a danger she knew. She'd choose the known quantity over the unknown every time.

"-had Ginny snap this, _look_."

A picture was thrust into his line of vision, one he would have never gone looking for and it _burned_. It burned his retinas, turned his face ashen, and he froze stiff. A sharp inhale was all he could manage.

"She's such a good girl, Ginny Weasley. Here's hoping Harry wakes up to that, eh? So nice of her to get a few candid shots of Holly for me. I've been adding to her album and-"

It wasn't fair.

Why was she so young? Why was she so _pretty_? Why _wasn't_ she an exact replica of Lily, _why_? If she'd been her mother's clone he would have never, _never.._. If she looked more like Prongs this wouldn't be a problem either. Why'd they fail to make another double? Harry was the spitting image of James! Holly should have been a mini-Lily.

They'd done it purposely to ruin him.

* * *

Lily left that one, and others, behind on purpose and it wasn't even discreet but he didn't have the will to call her out on it because the truth was he wanted them. He wanted those pictures of Holly. To see her laughing uproariously at something the camera failed to catch, looking so solemn with her arms folded as a book hovered before her, waving off a boy who looked dejected as she turned away to pace toward a window.

He truly hated pushing her away, refusing to write to her and she, stubborn girl, wouldn't send him letters either. It took great effort to keep himself from breaking into Hogwarts to spy on her, to make sure she wasn't being harassed by idiot boys who thought themselves men.

That was something he couldn't deny, she really was 'a knock out stunner' and he wished he'd never noticed it, but he couldn't take it back. He'd tried, _hard_ , to forget that Holly was actually female and not an undetermined child.

She'd always been pretty. Lovely. Beautiful. Sweet. Too adorable for the world to set eyes on. How many times he'd cooed those words to the tiny thing she once was he couldn't say. He'd guarded her jealously when James wanted to show her off to workmates, felt more concerned for her welfare than Lily did about introducing her to germ infested society. He was the one who impulsively bought her clothes and hair bows and little shoes, and he'd done the same sort of thing for Harry yet somehow Holly was different.

And that was so long ago.

He'd loved her to the moon and back and then out again. He still did and he always would.

Forever.

Sirius Black would always, always love Holly Evans Potter.

Potter.


	13. Three Fourths A Year

It was a nasty realisation, horrifying and terrible. So awful it kept him laid up in his flat for days without even a thought to the outside world excepting Holly. She was all he could think about.

Potter.

When would that change?

What would she become?

Smith.

Jones.

Weasley.

Holly Evans Blank.

Holly Evans Blac-

"No," he hissed the word fiercely, sitting up rigidly on the sofa.

Malfoy.

Snape.

"Bloody Merlin," a miserable mumble.

That thought was genuinely terrifying and completely impossible. He was losing his grip on reality, mind wandering down into the depths of insanity. She would never.

But what if she did?

Holly liked potions; same as her mother, she was a near prodigy. She didn't hate Snape and he didn't loathe her like he did Harry, the git. He let her loose at Christmas.

She wouldn't.

She couldn't.

He was _old_.

She claimed to like an older man.

"For fuck's sake," he put his head in his hands. This was hopeless. The awful idea was real enough and the longer he dwelt on it the more it seemed almost plausible. She could like Snape. She could. He could see it happening. Lily'd confessed long ago to harbouring near romantic feelings for her childhood friend and they all knew how Snape felt about her. What if his feelings shifted? What if hers did?

"Lily wouldn't let it happen," he spoke the affirmation aloud. "James wouldn't."

But they were both at least semi-okay with Holly's current declaration; what if she changed her mind? They wouldn't stop her if she meant it, couldn't more like.

And _he_ couldn't count on them to keep her single.

He knew it wasn't just Snape he was vehemently opposed to, it was anyone. No one was good enough for Holly. No one would love her enough, they could never know her so well as to love everything about her. Not the way he did. The way he always would.

" _...forever seems like a long time to you. Like it would get boring."_

There was nothing boring about Holly Evans Potter and no, he would never tire of her and yes, he hated the thought of her leaving him for someone else and no, that didn't mean that he... That he...

"Bloody hell."

What if it did mean that he...?

But it couldn't. Surely he would know. It wouldn't be so perplexing, so clouded. It was supposed to be shining. Incandescent. Unmistakable.

" _...forever seems like a long time..."_

No, it bloody well did not! Forever was nothing. It was the blink of an eye!

Everything she did was over so quickly. She grew up so fast. Forever wasn't long enough.

* * *

" _What is it you think he'll do?"_

" _Suddenly realize that forever doesn't sound long enough."_


	14. Nearly A Year

He'd started communicating with her again in June, just as N.E.W.T.S. began and weeks before school ended for good. She guessed he didn't want to be shut out of her graduation, couldn't bring himself to miss it, the sentimental wad, and inserted himself back into her life as if he'd not been avoiding her for the last nine months.

All at once he was Sirius Black again and it worried her. That meant he wasn't agonizing, that he'd made a personal decision. One she wasn't sure of.

What was he thinking now? Why was he suddenly normal again?

His letters were full of nonsense, as they'd always been. He never told her about anything important, anything very personal. She'd snuck a look at few of his missives to Harry over the years and he told _him_ about women. Not in graphic detail, but they were mentioned.

He never said anything like that to her.

She couldn't enjoy Dumbledore's commentary, her own Head Girl speech passed flawlessly without any thought on her part, and before she knew what was happening they were all outside enjoying the fine weather. Graduates stood with their families, she was with her own. Harry patting her on the back, her mother near tears, her father also emotional, and then there was Sirius. Flirting with school girls.

She could have hit him, wanted to, but that would be too obvious so instead, she sent a kick to his shin as she passed behind his group.

But then he was following her, taking her by the arm to steer her away from the crowd and round the edge of the lake. Acting so like himself that she almost couldn't stand it because surely, _surely_ , this meant he still didn't want her. That he expected her to change her mind and even if she didn't it wouldn't matter because he didn't want her.

Not the way she wanted him.

And she wouldn't, couldn't, force herself on him. If she couldn't have Sirius Black's surname then she would at least have him for a friend while keeping her own. Spinster she'd become. Never a cat lady; she couldn't stand the beasts. Crookshanks. Rotten ginger bugger that he was.

She'd pushed herself so far from the present that she didn't notice as he pulled her into the covering trees at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. She didn't want to think of what he would say, what he would do. How careful he would be with her, so their relationship wouldn't be completely ruined.

It was her fault though, not his. She was the fool. Fool. Fool. Fool.

She walked straight into his chest, hadn't noticed he'd stopped. It was a hard hit, too.

"Ow!" A small squeak of painful surprise erupted as she touched the tip of her nose.

Sirius didn't seem to care beyond finding it hilariously funny, even though it wasn't and she thought his barking laughter inappropriately jolly.

How could he be so happy about making her cry?

He didn't think that would happen. He'd convinced himself she'd see sense, _his_ sense, and be smart about her feelings. Withdraw. Wave the white flag and let him win.

"Nasty shock," she muttered furiously as he sobered, asked in a hard tone, "Why are we here?" As if she didn't know. "Walked awful far to congratulate me for being so smart."

A mirthful sigh through his nose. Very aristocratic nose it was. "We're not here to talk about your smart arse, Potter." Grey eyes glittered.

"Shouldn't be talking about my arse at all," a sarcastic, mumbled complaint. He didn't care one whit about her anatomy beyond keeping it pristine.

"No," his tone called emeralds to his person. Suddenly so solemn. "I shouldn't. Do you realize that now?"

"It hasn't been a whole year, yet, s _ir_."

He scoffed. "I'm no professor of yours, don't call me 'sir'." Put him on the same level as Dumbledore. Or Snape. "Waiting won't help though, will it? You're a stubborn brat. You made up your mind and not even the pain of rejection is enough to stop you. True love could run up and slap you in the face and you'd beat it back with a broom all because you've already got your head stuck on me."

She bristled. "You think I don't know what love is? I've had incredible examples of it all my life. How much there is between Mum and Dad. I know how Snape feels about Mum and I know Ginny should be with Harry, but he's about as blind as a damn bat, _and_ I know that if anyone here doesn't know about true love it's you!" She was worked up now, shouting. "You! The one who doesn't keep a girl for longer than a month! The one fucking terrified of commitment! The one whose reaction to _me_ , _me_ being honest and vulnerable and real, was to shut me out for _nine months_ because you couldn't handle it! Don't talk to me about love, Sirius Black! _You're_ the one who wouldn't know it from dirt!"

Heaving breaths, the rage in her blood making her face hot, and he was getting angry too.

"Don't tell me what I know!" His shout was as loud as hers. "I know what's real and what isn't! I _am_ older than you and that _does_ matter, Holly. It _matters_. You know what else matters? The fact that your stupidly stubborn self has seen nothing of the world!" Advancing toward her. "You have no idea what's out there, _who_ might be out there! And you never will if you insist on tying yourself to a middle-aged man-whore old enough to be your father!"

She took a step back in surprise. "Did you just-" she tried to comprehend what he'd said. "Did you just call yourself a _man whore_? Are you serious right now?!"

The words left his mouth on instinct, though he shouted still, "I'm always Sirius!"

"Oh, Merlin..." She shook her head and sucked in a deep breath. "Whatever. That matters, but...But it- It doesn't! I know all that, okay? I know! And it doesn't matter. I don't care about any of that! And-" she realised something, "-and neither do you..." Shock. Awe. "You didn't say-"

He didn't say 'no'.

He didn't say 'I don't want you'.

Her words took on a tinge of desperation. "What are you saying right now?"

"That you're trying to ruin your life." Impassive.

"No, stop deflecting and tell me. What. You're. Saying." When he stood silent she added, with her wand drawn and pointed square between his eyes, "Now." A tiny part of her felt bad for him because he looked so conflicted, scared even, but she had to know. "Now!"

Sparks flashed.

"I'm saying you win! You win! Holly Evans Potter, you _win_!"

She fainted.

* * *

 **A/N:** Hey, ya'll. A little somber message to you. I don't if any of you were users of Polyvore, but I was. The sudden shutdown of that website shocked all of its users; I'm actually really upset by it. I'm an interior decorating student & it was an invaluable resource. If you're so inclined, please consider **checking my profile** for the link to **sign the Bring Back Polyvore petition**. It's a ways down.

I'm not expecting the site to come back, but I do want an explanation for what happened & where all my personal data has gone!

Were any of you Polyvore users?


	15. Tell & Kiss

He should have woken her immediately, he knew it, but the reprieve was too welcome to do away with so quickly. Kneeling on the forest floor, Holly caught before she hit the ground, he held her.

The worst nerves he'd ever felt, that's what it was. Terror. Horror. The fear she'd realised her mistake and changed her mind. If that was the case he could have cast off the mantle and pretended none of this happened, yet felt sure he wouldn't have.

With his own devastating realisation came an inescapable need to be near her in a new way. An awful way.

So, he took this moment of quiet to fix his mind. She was still Holly Evans Potter and he was still Sirius Orion Black, in fact too many things about them remained the same and it would make this whole endeavour painfully inconvenient because there could be no hiding the truth.

The dreadful truth that everything he'd said was right. He was old enough to be her father, he was _best_ _friends_ with her father. James Potter who'd lost his frigging mind and consented to this insanity with as much good humour as possible under the circumstances. He'd not killed him, he'd not cursed him, only warned he would do both those things should direction turn sour.

"Rennervate."

Eyes closed tighter, pink lips pressed together, and a sharp breath was drawn as she returned to consciousness. Thus shattered the brief peace, but as bleary emeralds blinked in an effort to focus, Sirius found himself glad anyway. Glad she was fine, glad she was Holly, glad she was there with him.

If she would have him, if she'd not changed her mind, he would have _her._

Forever.

Sirius was unaware of the effect the tender thoughts had on his appearance, but Holly noted it was a look she'd never seen on him before. His eyes were soft grey, his mouth set in such a strangely sentimental smile, it was totally foreign. Sirius Black did not look at people that way, much less herself.

It was the way she'd hoped he'd gaze at her, knowing all the while those hopes were dim. Seeing it made her think this must be a dream because he couldn't, would never, give into her that way.

" _You win!"_

What did she win? Was he just giving in because he didn't want to hurt her? What did she do that made him change his mind? Did he mean what she thought he meant?

He saw the doubt, the confusion, swirling in her eyes and realised, per-usual, he'd fucked up in some way. He'd not explained himself and she was uncertain of him. It was hard to start talking, the very idea of having this conversation was uncomfortable and Sirius Black was not known for his emotional intelligence, but Holly… He'd accepted that he'd have to change in a few ways and this was one of them.

Actually, when he thought of it, Holly wasn't great about talking over how she felt either. She tried to be brave when she was scared, pretended to be happy when she was sad, acted calm when she was about to blow her top.

All the things he felt for her bubbled to the surface, all his many thoughts about the whole situation, and he decided to start speaking without any preamble.

"Do you know how hard this has been for me?" Her eyes widened in dismay, but when her lips parted to answer he slapped a hand over her mouth. "The hardest thing I've ever- Well," he paused and emeralds rolled as the innuendo was left hanging. He felt her deep sigh of irritation and a single loud laugh couldn't be helped. "In any case it wasn't easy! You have no idea how you terrified me. I almost died!"

She ripped his hand away from her person.

" _I_ almost died, you idiot! Hard for you? What about me?! You just- you, _pushed_ me away! You didn't write to me all year!"

"I know! I'm sorry!" he exclaimed. "I was-"

"In denial?" A sarcastic interruption.

He groaned. "I guess. But I really, honestly never thought of anything like that about you, I swear."

"Not even when we went to the lake?"

"The lak-?" Confusion. "Oh." Realisation.

"Ginny was sure you'd noticed my swimsuit."

Indignation rose within him. "That thing was hardly appropriate! How could I _not_ have noticed? I should have dragged your ass home." Even now his reaction upset him deeply; it was before he knew how she felt, before he considered seeing her as something more. "That was- Mean of you," he finished lamely. "But I suppose your nasty little plan worked because after that… After that things started to change."

"In what way?" She wanted to accept it all and be glad, to just take what was so unexpectedly in front of her, but that wouldn't work long term. She needed to hear it. He had to tell her, explain what happened or she'd always wonder, doubting him.

He'd known she would ask and she deserved to know; he'd thought about this, yet it was so difficult to say. Sirius Black was going to talk about feelings, tell her the thoughts he'd had.

"I ignored it," he said finally. "But it was there, in the back of my mind, and I kept noticing things about you that I never- Never meant to. Never wanted to. That was why I couldn't just reject you, I'd already realised horrible things and when you said _that_ , a part of me I tried to oust reared it's ugly head."

"But how? Why?" she asked, breathless. She sat upright, still within his arms and it was hard to keep her own away from him. She wanted to wrap herself around him and never let go. "What do you mean?"

"I _mean_ I'm an unwilling degenerate! All jokes about me and how I've lived aside, I never thought I was really that bad. I had standards! High standards!"

"You call dyed blonds high standard?" She leaned away. Thinking about all the tarts he'd pulled into bed was loathsome.

"Fine. Not 'high', but there were standards and you were not on that list and you were never supposed to be. Ever. Never ever. This shouldn't have happened. I don't know how many times I've asked myself what's gone wrong with me. I could at least sort of understand your perspective, but that was why I thought you might change your mind, hoped you would. But me… I'm a lecherous old man!"

"I mean," she paused and finished weakly, "Kind of."

Sirius moaned in unhappiness.

"Not really though! It's not as if you've been getting with girls my age before right? Younger sure, but not scary young." She was trying not to think about those women at all. "Anyway you still haven't said it. You haven't said why you changed your mind and I won't believe anything else until you do."

She left his grasp resolute to stay away until he explained himself, until he said the words she needed to hear because if he didn't, if it wasn't for the _right_ reasons, then all this was for nothing. If he was just giving in then it was wrong. She sat with her back against a tree, legs drawn up to her chest, and arms around them. Watching him. Waiting.

He knew she needed to hear the truth, but saying the words, that was difficult. Cursing his inability to speak in anything but plain, direct language, he ploughed through the explanation without pause.

"Lily put almost all the fears to rest, even though I resisted it, and one evening while freaking out over the things she said I realised what she meant with one line. It was something about me thinking forever would take...forever. That it would be boring and that's not wrong. With any other date I always felt that way without really thinking about it. They'd be boring after a while and I never let it go long enough for it to happen. But she said more, asked if my time with her or James or Harry or you would ever be boring and of course it wouldn't, but that wasn't the same. She said it was though, and that stuck with me, turning in my mind. I finally realised that when it came to you-"

He needed to take a breath.

"When it came to you forever wasn't, _isn't_ , long at all. It wasn't long enough and I was wasting time trying to stick to an imaginary line because we don't actually have forever, do we? There's a limit here. Someday even the things I want forever will be gone and I didn't… I couldn't imagine seeing you with someone else. Staying with someone else.

"I told you that was what I thought would happen, that I wanted you to change your mind, but that was a lie. A good one, hell I really did believe it for months, but once the concept of 'forever' made it's mark I-"

She kissed him.


	16. In Front of Everyone And Snape

Most new relationships have a time of awkwardness and some are more severe than others.

Holly was sure hers would be the worst in recorded history.

Even their second kiss, despite how much she'd longed for it, was awkward. He'd reciprocated, but it was weird. Wonderful, but weird. Weird because she'd almost stopped hoping it would ever happen and suddenly it was and that meant a whole host of issues she'd not dared to consider were about to begin a full frontal assault.

If Snape had even a hint of what happened the whole world was going to end.

And that might have been an odd place for her worries to start, but her mind was in absolute upheaval and Professor Snape _hated_ Sirius Black. He didn't like her dad either, still had more than a thing for Mum, and it was a strange dynamic but he'd always treated her better than Harry and she suspected he had a soft spot because she looked so much like her mother, though he had no problem taking points when she behaved more like a Marauder...

"What in the name of Merlin are you thinking about with that look on your face?"

Holding hands with Sirius was normal enough, but he was being too much of a gentleman and that was _weird_ too. Instead of yanking her along after him he guided her gently. Snape would notice. He would definitely notice and he'd probably curse Sirius immediately and then Mum would flip and everyone would know because she wouldn't care and Sirius might actually _die_ because Snape knew way too much about the Dark Arts and...

He kissed her.

In front of everyone.

And Snape.

* * *

During the act itself she stopped caring who saw, but as she'd feared someone _did_ send a curse at Sirius. He blocked it without trying, he'd had the foresight to wear an enchanted robe; spell repellant was charmed into it's very threads. Expensive as hell, but that was nothing to him and they were dead useful for situations such as this.

Not that he'd ever been in any similar scenarios and he wasn't sure who sent the curse. It could have been Lily, maybe James, or even Snivillus, but he didn't much care. He didn't care about the uproar he'd caused, didn't care that Holly might hex him herself in a moment. All the weight he'd been carrying for months was gone, lifted in an instant, and nothing ever felt better.

She was redder than a brick when he drew back, fainted again, and he felt a pang of remorse but it was quickly overridden by humor because she was well enough. Embarrassment wouldn't kill her. This was what she'd wanted, what she so underhandedly forced him to consider.

A little pay back was her due.

Still, he wasn't trying to torture her and this time he didn't spell her awake. By then Lily was upon them, swatting angrily and James looked slightly ill, which he _did_ feel bad about, but Harry was fist pumping in the background, forcing Ginny Weasley along with him as he held her hand, and really the Potter's opinions were the only ones that mattered.

And Remus but he was just shocked.

Holly was transported to the Hospital Wing for a lie down and Lily went with, James declined.

"For the best," she muttered. "Severus is _furious_."

"Fuck Snivillus."

" _Sirius!"_

"Sorry, but not sorry, Evans."

Eyes rolled. "How old are you again? And it's Potter, you daft nitwit! Don't make me regret giving you leave." Arms folded and she released a sigh. "Just... Don't keep her overnight and-"

"Holy hell, Lily! Do you think I _would_? Are you out of your mind?!"

"I'm trying not to think at all actually." Her gulp was audible. "I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is regret or relief, but what's done is done."

"Well, don't sound too cheerful about it," he grumbled.

"Just... Don't come round for a while. A little while. Stay away. I'm not saying you can't see _her_ or Harry, but... I was the one ready first and _I'm_ having a hard time so-"

"I get it, I get it! Just bloody go woman!"

It was with a deep breath, and kiss to Holly's forehead, that Lily left to tend to her emotional state. The whole thing was difficult to stomach now that it was real. Out there for the world to see. Really, the world didn't matter and she knew Holly would be happy, Sirius would be happy, and someday that would be enough. But not yet.

Not today.

Today, Sirius Black was his usual over-the-top self, prepared to tell the world all about his exploits no matter who got caught in the crossfire, totally confident in his ability to protect anyone important to him. That person was Holly.

Holly Evans Potter.

Sirius Orion Black.

Holly Evans Bla-

But not yet.

Not yet.


	17. They Almost DIED

**A/N:** This is the 'M' rated chapter.

* * *

He was trying to romance her and it was completely unnecessary and awkward and strange.

She still liked it though.

Maybe she was a masochist?

Anyway he wasn't allowed over at the house, he wouldn't have come anyway, because her parents were having a hard time with the change in dynamics. She'd have thought Mum would be the better prepared of the two, but it was looking like her father might get over the shock first.

In a way it made sense. He and Sirius were best friends, like _best friends_ , and that was a hard bond to break. They'd seen each other a few times, not alone because Remus played mediator, and no one died. That was a good sign.

All that aside she wanted to jump his bones and he wouldn't allow it, seemed convinced her parents would know and murder him.

So she moved out. Without telling anyone.

Well, not _no one_. She told Harry, sort of assumed he'd say something about it to their parents and didn't count on him not doing it.

Her dad really did almost kill Sirius because, of course, the immediate assumption was that she was with _him_ and that wasn't permitted. Ever. Never ever. She wasn't there, obviously, and both went into full panic mode over her whereabouts which was when they contacted Ginny, who also hadn't seen her, but she thought to ask Harry in the middle of the night and _he_ knew where she was so he told Ginny who told Sirius who was so relieved he apparated to the less than tiny flat without telling her dad what the hell was going on.

Then Sirius almost murdered _her_.

"How could you do this to me?!" He shook her by the shoulders. "You sodding prat! You stupid, stupid-!"

"You can't even go to the house! Why do you care where I live?!" She shook him off. "It doesn't matter."

"It bloody hell mattered when your parents didn't know where the fuck you were and James came to kill me! How could this possibly have seemed like a good idea to you!?"

In hindsight it might not have been the greatest plan ever.

Yet in the end no one was maimed or dead. She was made to go home again, to apologise for her thoughtlessness, but as she was legally an adult they couldn't keep her there. It'd always been assumed she would leave someday and though both parents were tempted to withhold funds meant for her, they were persuaded not to be so cruel.

Sirius, however, was not forgiving. She understood part of it to be the painful reminder of her inexperienced youth, digging into what little conscious he had and making it difficult for him to look at her.

"Mhm!" No sound of frustration, even when she pressed her lips together and prodded him hard, was enough. He wouldn't send her away, what else did he have to do besides?, but still insisted on ignoring her. "I'll let you take me out!"

"I don't _want_ to take you out, you ungrateful, ridiculous brat."

He was still sore, yet there was more now because she wouldn't let him put her up. He desperately wanted her to move house and she wasn't for it. Not to live with him, he wasn't willing to risk death again so soon, but somewhere bigger, nicer.

Instead she would have her cupboard and he didn't like it. Neither did he like her taking evenings at The Leaky Cauldron; he was entirely against the whole thing and he suspected at least half of her nonsense was down to being obstinate.

Holly was invading his space, inching closer and trying to look as pathetic as possible, but he wasn't giving into that. Not this time. Big eyes didn't move him. Pouting lips did a little. A hand, moving toward his person and then, lower, and-

"No. No, no, no, no, _no._ " Pushed her, grabbed and held tightly when she tried for a second time.

"Why _not_?"

She was always whingeing! A complainer. A purposely ignorant little terror.

"You know damn well why not," he growled. Patience was thin and she was always like this. Pushing him where she wanted to go, knowing damn well he wanted it too, but couldn't let himself have it. Dangerous. Illicit. Wrong. Still, after everything, so wrong.

"If you're talking about how you're a coward, then yeah. I guess I know why!" The end came out in a shout as she rocked off the sofa and stomped away from him, out the door, and off into the mid-morning air of winter.

It was an old argument. She wanted more, he wanted more but wouldn't let himself have it, and she was tired of him pushing her away.

Would this be the end of them?

The end before they even began?

* * *

She would never cry in front of him, but back home, in her closet _,_ she let the tears fall.

Nothing was the way she wanted it to be, nothing was the way it was _supposed_ to be! They were supposed to be perfection incarnate! Never arguing and, even if they did, it was to be over and done with quickly so they could fall into bed.

She'd heard about make up sex; it was supposed to be grand.

They hadn't gotten close.

He didn't want her. Clearly he didn't. Would he ever? Was she just totally lacking appeal? Did she look too much like her mother and now he'd realised it but couldn't send her packing because he still cared about her, just not like he did for a tiny, tiny short little while?

She was curled into a sitting ball, head on her knees and arms around her legs when he opened the door, not at all carefully and it banged against the wall. Holly was sure she looked the worst he'd ever seen her. And it got worse. All she could do was look up with a gasp, not only because of the shock but because she actually could hardly breathe at all any more; her nose was running and terribly stuffed.

But Sirius Black wasn't mean. Not on purpose. At least not to her. She'd been told of his being mean to Snape and anyone else he didn't like. Like, _really_ mean. Trying to murder them mean. Without thinking about the consequences of his actions and how he could have actually, truly ruined Remus Lupin's life until long after the fact, mean.

Well, she'd always known he had faults. Even when it seemed like the only one was not giving her everything she wanted in the second she wanted it.

He didn't laugh at her, didn't smile at all. Instead, he looked equally devastated as he dropped to his knees and pulled her to him.

She broke afresh, splintering all over again, because even though he wasn't pushing her away it was only because she was crying, because he was sorry.

Stopping the tears was impossible, but she yanked back, shoved at him; he was too strong for that. She was weak, tired. Crying exhausted her.

Holly didn't notice falling asleep and Sirius held still long enough to be sure she was deeply immersed in slumber before transferring her to the pull down cot.

He really hated it.

Her stupid apartment, her stupid job, her stupid boyfriend who was stupidly afraid of intimacy on a cellular level. Her stupid boyfriend who was too old to be called a 'boyfriend' any more. Her stupid boyfriend who should have been mature enough for this!

But he wasn't.

He might as well have been a virginal twelve year-old for the way he was treating her. Scared of everything and nothing. Wanting desperately to be with her, holding her at arms length in the same breath.

She was months out of school, a well established adult and smart. So smart. She always was too clever for her own good. Stubborn on top of that. Vindictive. Bratty. Clingy.

Hot.

Literally.

She was running a temperature.

* * *

The spell didn't work, the potion didn't either, and that meant she wasn't exactly ill, but she wasn't well either.

It was an emotional backlash messing with her magic, causing the heat, and it couldn't be allowed to continue unchecked; he'd be hauling her into Mungo's if he couldn't get her fever down.

It wasn't just a flush on her face, it was sweat and laboured breathing.

"Dammit," he muttered, pulling her off the bed and into his arms.

He took her into the bathroom, set her on the cool tile floor, and turned the shower to just barely warm. Fully undressing her was a step he felt unnecessary, but he did remove her bra while pretending he hadn't. Fewer layers. As it was his cowardice might have to be tossed, her health needed to come before his virtuous intentions.

Into the shower with her, sitting in the tub and holding strong when she bolted awake and spluttered after getting a face full of water upon flailing.

"What the hell?!" Her head whipped around.

"You're having a magical, overemotional backup," he explained snappishly. "Your temperature is out of control and you need to cool down, so hold still!"

She supposed she did feel a little odd, though she thought that down to being in the shower, with _Sirius,_ despite both remaining mostly dressed.

"Why the hell did you get i-" Yes, he was right. She couldn't put force in her tone; she felt weak.

"You were unconscious. I couldn't just stand you in here, could I?" She thought she heard regret in his tone. "I don't trust you now. You'll try to get out and," his hand hit her forehead, touched her cheek. An aggravated sigh. "You're still burning."

Burning? Yeah. She could feel that. Everything was on fire. Her face, her limbs, her back especially. Maybe he was right, maybe it was some kind of inborn magic issue, but she knew where it really stemmed from.

"This is your fault." She pushed his arms off and sat, turned quickly so he would know she wasn't trying to escape. Even that made it hard to breathe. The cool water was relief, but not enough. "I don't mean to accuse you of anything, but it is." His glare didn't deter her. "Before you bolt, listen. I know what the problem is," breaths were short, her words stunted. Flames licked her veins. She dropped her head for a moment, shook herself and closed her eyes as she tried to take in air.

"Oi-"

She couldn't even hold her body up; she sat on her knees, but her legs slid apart. Palms pressed to porcelain for support and she looked back to him. His eyes were dark with panicked worry.

Hair dripped into her face and she bit her lip. He wore a white shirt, it was water logged transparent and his thoughts weren't anywhere close to hers.

"I know what's wrong," she repeated, trying to collect herself. "First of all," if she went slowly, it might be alright. "I can't be in these pants. Too hot."

It was clear enough that she couldn't remove them herself and he gritted his teeth; it had to be done.

"Sit back," he ordered. "Do you need help?"

She shook her head and slid to the other end of the bathtub, legs stretched out before her. She undid the button and zipper, but Sirius was forced to pull them off. She tried not to think of that, considered her magical apartment and the way it worked. The tub was her favourite part. Knobs disappeared when one wanted to lay, which she did. Sitting was an endeavour in itself at the moment.

Now in her underwear, black and white lace she was pleased to recall, she felt a bit of pressure release.

As for Sirius he was steadfastly _not_ looking below Holly's neck. Even that was suspect because with each sigh came a small grimace and now she was squirming. Long, pale legs jerked and his worry grew.

"You need to go to hospital," he finally said. "This isn't working."

"That won't help," she muttered, staring at the ceiling. She forced her head up again, caught his gaze. "You're right, this is an emotional thing. They can't do anything about this."

He measured his temper and spoke deliberately, "Then what do you need me to do?", reminded himself that she wasn't trying to scare or irritate him, she was sick and needed to be cured.

"Sirius," she called for his attention, undivided. "You need," the pause was less than a second long, she tried to think of a better way to say it, but her brain was fogged and she really was burning. "You need to get me off." He was silent for too long and she sent a weak kick to his leg; he still kneeled in place, jeans clenched in his hands. "I'm not making a joke." She couldn't hold her head any more and it fell back, her chest heaved with strained breathing and lashes fluttered. "I said you were right, didn't I? That's not the whole problem, but-" She broke off with a gasp, eyes snapped opened.

It wasn't that he didn't believe her; knowing she was right made him hesitate. That meant it was his fault. Holding back on her, dodging in fear, it did a number on Holly. Magic mixed with emotion went haywire and her body couldn't handle it.

If she thought it was pity it would make this worse not better.

He touched her, through barely there material, and said, "It was never that I didn't want to, do you understand? I wasn't rejecting _you_."

"You were so-!" Furious words were cut off when his face appeared above hers and he kissed her hard.

"No," he broke away. "Not you." He kissed her again. "I was rejecting myself. Punishing, I guess."

"Well," it was hard to be sarcastic when she was out of breath. "Good job."

"I'm sorry," he was sincere. "I didn't think you were taking it so personally." His hands rested on the edge of the tub, on either side of the head she still couldn't lift. "Wait a second."

"I can't do anything else," she grumbled, as her thighs slid together. He'd only touched her for a moment.

She did force herself to watch as he stood and stripped. Partially. Pants were discarded as hers were, left to puddle mosaic. She couldn't help as he came back down, lifted her gently and pulled her forward, on to his lap.

Blazing cheek met his chest, still unfortunately covered.

He readjusted her higher, felt her head drop over his shoulder as she panted.

"Sirius, it's really hot," she moaned. Being close was torture.

"I'm sorry, baby," he murmured. The endearment made her clench and then he was fingering her again. Lightly, softly. Stroking and a pinch that made her twitch. Her arms moved on their own and she feebly clutched his shirt. "I'm sorry, Holly," he apologised again and pressed a kiss to exposed shoulder. She'd worn a sweater earlier, off the shoulder with a tank underneath; when he arrived to find her he'd seen it tossed to a corner. She'd probably already been overheating without realising it. He nipped her, raked his teeth over skin and brushed her centre again; a tightened hold and a quiet groan were all she could manage in response.

Her gasp was pleasured when he slapped her ass. "I always knew you'd like a little pain." When he was trying not to think about her, but doing it anyway. "Fisting my cock without you," he complained. "And for what?" She whimpered as panties were pulled down. "I made you sick."

A careful check and then one finger inside. Two. Holly trembled and choked on her words, "Sirius, I-".

"Hush," he demanded, withdrawing to an outraged hiss. "It's my turn to talk to you now, Holly Evans." He couldn't say the Potter part and he found that just Evans wasn't so bad. "You're about to melt anyway," he whispered in her ear as he worked her over.

* * *

For Holly, once wasn't enough. The point of her illness was rejection, manifest physically by excess heat, and it wasn't all about her. It was Sirius.

Sirius, who didn't actually care that she didn't know how to do anything, who only warned her not to bite and was then reduced to incoherency as she made out with his dick. In her imaginings, sometimes night-time sometimes not, she thought of this. Of his hands raking through her hair as her lips wrapped around his shaft and she took him as deeply as she could.

Which was deep, it turned out.

She'd thought about licking, fondling. Of touching herself to get him hard.

With each fulfilled desire her temperature dropped and strength returned. By the end of it she was only hot because his hands were all over her. Massaging breasts and somehow they were out of the shower and on the bed and he was sliding into her and it was _sharp_ pain for a moment but then passed.

Sirius was slow, sweet torture and long, smooth thrusts the first time. Next she went down on him, bouncing and rocking, throwing her head back. Then he had her on her knees, bent forward for a new angle when he pushed up into her from behind.

By then it was dark and she still wasn't done.


	18. In Front of Everyone But not Snape

He always intended to marry her.

Well, 'always' after he accepted that he did love and want to shag her.

When they started having sex, _all the time_ , it became an imperative. He was terrified she'd end up pregnant out of wedlock. It was bad enough seeing James or Lily within twenty-four hours of a tryst, worse because he was almost sure they knew though he couldn't reason how. He knew Harry knew, because Ginny knew and they were finally dating, but Harry wasn't running to his parents to talk about his sister's love life.

Proposing was quietly done when they were alone, after he asked Prongs for permission because it seemed necessary, which was uncomfortable from dreading it, to doing it, to being done with it.

James Potter was, without a doubt, his best friend. His best friend who was about to be his...in-law.

They both tried not to think about it.

The society papers were all in an uproar again. Kissing her at graduation was one blow up, but a ring? Holly couldn't keep working and it made her furious, but that freed up more time for handcuffs and muggle gels that warmed or cooled and other insane experiments; within a week she didn't mind it any more.

She was adventurous. Had him take her out so they could have a go, "With a risk."

Out of her bloody mind and she drove him crazy with all the things she wanted to do. Like slide up and down his back, naked. Rubbing off on him. Moaning his name as she went.

Getting in his face, all rosy cheeks, licking his ear and sucking on his neck.

Breaking into his apartment (not really, she had a key) to kneel on his bed in a tiny school girl skirt and knee high socks, chest barely contained in a too tight cropped blouse.

She had the best bedroom eyes.

* * *

Holly'd known since she was a child that Sirius would give her anything she wanted. When she grew up and wanted him, he gave her that too, along with things she didn't know she wanted. Like an actual wedding.

First, she had it in her head that it couldn't happen. Her parents couldn't handle it, he was _Sirius Black_ , and it was an unnecessary hassle.

Second, it was embarrassing. The idea of going out to get a dress, especially when everyone knew who she was and what was happening, made her want to dive into a hole.

All she wanted was to file paperwork.

To her horror Sirius chose this one thing to put his foot down on. He would have a wedding, even though she didn't want it and there was nobody on her side. Not Harry, not Ginny, not Remus. Not even her mother.

"You'll regret it if you don't," was Lily's warning.

Holly didn't think so, but the one thing that stopped her from having a fit was Sirius. It was the only thing she could remember him asking of her. He never asked for anything! Except permission to take her clothes off, but that didn't count.

Even if she didn't want the publicity, the cake, the party or the dress, she _did_ want to see Sirius happy.

And she did.

The awkwardness of having her father walk her down the aisle washed into nothing because Sirius Orion Black was glowing. Radiating pure joy with a smile big enough to split his face and it was contagious even as she cried and they vowed and he held her cheeks so he could kiss her in front of everyone.

But not Snape.

He didn't come and that was probably for the best.

 **The End**

* * *

 **A/N:** Hope you enjoyed!


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